Thoughts on Thinning

As I am writing this, I am sitting in my living room in sweaty gym clothes. I almost did not make it to the gym today (Monday) and even though I was there, I did my worst mile run yet. I just finished eating a protein bar and my iPod is still set to my workout mix.

About a week ago, I entered a contest on Instagram to win a Fabletics giftcard and I recently found out that I was chosen as a runner up. The picture I posted was one my trainer took while I squated 155 pounds, which is my heaviest to date. 

Two days ago, my trainer and I hit a wall because he wanted me to do box jumps that I know physically I could, but mentally I psyched myself out of doing. He wouldn't let me leave until I did one. I barely made that one and only did so after about 15 minutes of pouting. 

A year ago, I bought the shirt I'm wearing in these pictures and I wrote this blog post about being a fat girl. Then, I didn't realize how strong I would become in just a little under a year later. Not just physically, but mentally. You see, then I thought the stronger thing to do was be confident in the fact that I was a fat girl and being okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I honestly love myself at any size. If you know me, you know I'm obnoxiously confident. But now I'm completely different and I'm not even at the size I want to be at yet. 

This shirt was created by Tess Munster. You have probably heard of her recently because she has within the last year shot to fame by becoming the largest plus-size model to be signed to a modeling agency. I've followed Tess around the web for quite a few years now so I was genuinely happy for her, but her signing came about at the same time I had lost my first 20 pounds and had no plans of stopping. 

When I bought this shirt from her, it didn't fit. I double checked the measurements and what the size chart said and I even ordered a size up like instructed because I love the saying and the movement in general and wanted to be able to flaunt this shirt. But it didn't fit. And to be honest, it still is a little bit too small for my personal preference. This shirt is a large. 

Since mid-January when I joined Snap Fitness and really started to take my health seriously, which is the reason I started in the first place, I have lost 35 pounds. I was wearing a size 22 when this all began. By June, I have no doubt that I will be in a 12.

At this point of this post I feel like I'm rambling because at this point in my fitness journey, I feel like I'm scatterbrained. I love the results. I love feeling better and actually feeling healthy. I love seeing that I can lift heavier and heavier. And that, even though today's mile run sucked, I can run. But it is such hard work. You have to be so disciplined. And it sometimes really just sucks.

When I posted my first progress picture on social media, a lot of friends reached out asking about how I lost so much so quickly. When I told them what I have changed my diet to and that I mostly just lift, no one really believed that's what it took to have these results. But that really is what it takes to get these results. I'm not joking and I highly doubt there is any other way to do it. Your nutrition is the most important and while I always thought I was eating healthy, because I ate what I was "supposed" to; I can easily tell the difference in how I feel now.

I'm not trying to tell you to start working out and eat differently. I was very happy how I lived before, but I am happier now. And if it's possible, I have even more confidence now. I'm also not trying to distance myself from the former plus-size fashion blogger I once was. I love that girl and I love that community of bloggers. It's just that now #effyourbeautystandards plays a role differently to me then when I bought this shirt. I'm still plus-sized and my curves are here to stay. Trust me, squats make a bigger booty so my curves are not going anywhere. I've still got some chub and I'm still all about rocking a crop top or bikini anyway. My brain (and heart) will always be plus-size. I know that struggle all to well, without ever realizing what a struggle it actually was. (That confidence bug, I tell ya, she's a good one!)

Now, I just want to be able to be seen as fit. I'm not aiming for skinny. Too much of me is still very much proud to be a bigger girl and know I'm beautiful even though I'm not the "ideal" size. I don't think that will ever change about me. I'm just anxious to see what I will be like when I look back on this post in a year from now.

Chels Wears: A Plus-Size "Don't"

Chambray: WalMart | Crop Top: American Eagle | Necklace: Urban Outfitters | Bracelet: Charlotte Russe

Pants: Target | Sneaker Wedges: UrbanOG

Okay. So I know that a lot of readers come to this space because I'm known as a plus-size girl with a plus-sized confidence. But I will let you in on some truth. I was worried about wearing this outfit.

I love the crop top trend, I think it is so fun and perfect for warmer weather. I have at least five crop tops, though I usually only wear them around the house or as a cover up for the beach/pool. And I also love high waisted pants because they make you look extra curvy. But as a plus-sized women, I have been told multiple times that both of these are a fashion "don't" for women like me. So I was nervous when I realized that I was putting this outfit together and actually liked it. Showing my stomach in public is not really my forte. Not just because I'm a bigger girl, but because I usually stay more on the modest side in general.

However, to be real honest. I actually like this look. I think it's sassy. I think it's a great way to show off my sneaker wedges for the first time. The only thing that I don't like is that I don't think my butt looks as cute as it normally does in any of these pictures and I seriously need a tan. But besides those two things, I don't hate it. Will I wear it again? Maybe. But I don't repeat outfits often anyway so that's not a good judgement. I guess what I'm saying is, I lacked the normal confidence I always have naturally with my clothes when I first put this outfit together. But if I don't push myself out of my own comfort zone, who would? And who will be there to tell little chubby girls that they are beautiful and can wear whatever they want to, if I'm not? Because that's really what this outfit comes down to. I was always told not to wear these things because I'm fat. But I know I'm beautiful and I appreciate my body as it is, flaws and all, so I wore these pieces anyway. Because if you ask me, I'm still rocking this look just as well as any skinny girl would. And I want younger chubby girls to know they can do the same. I don't want them to grow up in a world that tells them they cannot wear something. I want them to love fashion and love mixing different pieces together. I have always loved to do that. So why would I let a couple fat girl fashion "don'ts" stop me from doing what I love? What do you think?

Cosmo Asks: What Is It Really Like To Be A Fat Woman?

I have seen multiple bloggers, of varies sizes, responding to this article that Cosmo recently posted. To be honest, I appreciated finally seeing this point of view in a such mainstream magazine and since I have put myself into the genre of "plus-size fashion blogging" I figured that you might appreciate my replies to these questions as well. It never hurts to learn more about the person behind the blog.

Image from the original Cosmopolitan post, found here. Photo from Getty.

How do you feel when other women around you complain about feeling/being fat?
This has always made me roll my eyes, because usually this statement comes from someone who would never be considered fat by anyone. I'm only annoyed by it because it's meant in such a negative way and it actually hurts me more to think that someone around me is thinking of themselves so poorly, not so much what they must think of me. The idea of "feeling fat" is weird to me in general because there are times when, yes, I literally feel fat, though most of the time I don't, yet I'm still the same weight either way. So I get why people use it negatively, it just makes me feel bad for them and their apparent low self-worth based on a fleeting feeling.

How has your body image changed since high school? College?
I specifically remember in high school gym class on the first day of the year we'd take the class period for the teacher to check the height and weight of each student to record it for whatever reason and I always prayed that at least one other girl would either be my size or bigger. I was a multi-sport athlete in high school, did musicals, was in dance three times a week, and was in marching band. That's a lot of activity and my mom always made us eat well, so being a bigger girl, frankly, just happened. But in high school I still felt bad about it, like I was doing something wrong, even though I was working out more then most of the girls in my grade. When I got to college though, I pretty much said screw it, as long as I'm living healthy, I'm fine. I also had grown into my curves by then and began to love them and it's been that way ever since.

Have you tried dieting? What happened?
This is like asking if I have ever tried breathing. To be honest, I actually eat really healthy anyway. I drink water like a camel and would rather eat veggies all day than anything else. So although I should cut out more sweets, even when I have done so in the past, very little change has happened.

Do you think in your case your weight is partly or entirely genetic?
I would think mostly genetic. I have no proof telling me either way and I'm not trying to make an excuse, but like I said, for the most part I eat really healthy and am active so I'm sure something else is keeping me from being much smaller.

Do you consider yourself healthy? Have there been instances where people assumed you are unhealthy?
For the most part, I think I am healthy. Could I exercise more? Yes. Could I eat less? Yes. But is my general, overall health fine? Also, yes. Just because I am overweight, does not mean I am not leading an active lifestyle or that I am chalk-full of weight-related aliments. That is my biggest pet peeve about being overweight. People always assume I am not doing something "right." Like you cannot possibly be healthy and be overweight. I have fabulous form in yoga, can ride a bike for days, could kick your ass in a tae bo class, and out dance you in zumba. Don't let my weight fool you.

Are your parents both supportive of you at the weight you're at? Have they always been?
Honestly. I have no idea. I would assume that my weight is one of their much lesser worries, or would hope so anyway. My mom and I always joke around though if she says something like, "how are you still hungry," I'll snip back with, "oh, are you calling me fat?" But that's just in good fun, both parties know the other is joking. My dad has made comments to me before about whether I should or should not wear something a certain way, but I'm not always sure if it's because I might look heavier in it or if I don't look modest enough for his taste. And my mom also hates when I wear horizontal stripes and/or when I belt things around the waist, but again, I think that is more of a personal taste issue, not a problem with their daughter's weight.

How do you think retailers could improve clothes for plus-size people?
I don't understand why this concept seems so hard for retailers to grasp...make the same clothes, only bigger. I hate that everything in the "plus" section is always bedazzled and has crazy floral and animal prints. Those things are okay in moderation, but I really just want to go into a store (not online) and find clothes that fit me and still look like they would if I was a six. Why does everyone apparently think that being plus-size means having no style? I'm not seven years old, I don't want glitter all over the butt pockets of my jeans.

Do you think plus-size women are judged differently than plus-size men are? How?
Yes. Men are allowed to be bigger because it equates to them being masculine or tough. Whereas women are supposed to be small and delicate. Although I don't think that fat men are saved from the societal ideas that they must be lazy if they are fat. MJ is a big boy, so I know that he feels pressure to lose weight too, and it seems like the plus-size male community is slower to act on the inequality in representation than their female counterparts. I feel like as a plus-size woman, I have a lot of support from fellow women my size through fashion and feminist blogs, and I'm not aware of an outlet like that for men.

Do you think there's an assumption made/stereotype that exists about plus-sized people? How would you respond to it?
Of course! Fat people are always considered lazy, dumb, ugly and worthless. And to that I say, take a look at my resume and then tell me what you think. As for being ugly, well, everyone reading my blog knows I have a vain streak so I don't think I have to mention how I feel about that one. And no one is worthless, so if you think fat people are, you've got another thing coming.

Do you ever think there's a right way or time to express concern about some one's weight?
Yes. If you are their doctor and they are literally killing themselves because of their extreme weight gain...or loss. Otherwise, no.