Thoughts on Thinning

As I am writing this, I am sitting in my living room in sweaty gym clothes. I almost did not make it to the gym today (Monday) and even though I was there, I did my worst mile run yet. I just finished eating a protein bar and my iPod is still set to my workout mix.

About a week ago, I entered a contest on Instagram to win a Fabletics giftcard and I recently found out that I was chosen as a runner up. The picture I posted was one my trainer took while I squated 155 pounds, which is my heaviest to date. 

Two days ago, my trainer and I hit a wall because he wanted me to do box jumps that I know physically I could, but mentally I psyched myself out of doing. He wouldn't let me leave until I did one. I barely made that one and only did so after about 15 minutes of pouting. 

A year ago, I bought the shirt I'm wearing in these pictures and I wrote this blog post about being a fat girl. Then, I didn't realize how strong I would become in just a little under a year later. Not just physically, but mentally. You see, then I thought the stronger thing to do was be confident in the fact that I was a fat girl and being okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I honestly love myself at any size. If you know me, you know I'm obnoxiously confident. But now I'm completely different and I'm not even at the size I want to be at yet. 

This shirt was created by Tess Munster. You have probably heard of her recently because she has within the last year shot to fame by becoming the largest plus-size model to be signed to a modeling agency. I've followed Tess around the web for quite a few years now so I was genuinely happy for her, but her signing came about at the same time I had lost my first 20 pounds and had no plans of stopping. 

When I bought this shirt from her, it didn't fit. I double checked the measurements and what the size chart said and I even ordered a size up like instructed because I love the saying and the movement in general and wanted to be able to flaunt this shirt. But it didn't fit. And to be honest, it still is a little bit too small for my personal preference. This shirt is a large. 

Since mid-January when I joined Snap Fitness and really started to take my health seriously, which is the reason I started in the first place, I have lost 35 pounds. I was wearing a size 22 when this all began. By June, I have no doubt that I will be in a 12.

At this point of this post I feel like I'm rambling because at this point in my fitness journey, I feel like I'm scatterbrained. I love the results. I love feeling better and actually feeling healthy. I love seeing that I can lift heavier and heavier. And that, even though today's mile run sucked, I can run. But it is such hard work. You have to be so disciplined. And it sometimes really just sucks.

When I posted my first progress picture on social media, a lot of friends reached out asking about how I lost so much so quickly. When I told them what I have changed my diet to and that I mostly just lift, no one really believed that's what it took to have these results. But that really is what it takes to get these results. I'm not joking and I highly doubt there is any other way to do it. Your nutrition is the most important and while I always thought I was eating healthy, because I ate what I was "supposed" to; I can easily tell the difference in how I feel now.

I'm not trying to tell you to start working out and eat differently. I was very happy how I lived before, but I am happier now. And if it's possible, I have even more confidence now. I'm also not trying to distance myself from the former plus-size fashion blogger I once was. I love that girl and I love that community of bloggers. It's just that now #effyourbeautystandards plays a role differently to me then when I bought this shirt. I'm still plus-sized and my curves are here to stay. Trust me, squats make a bigger booty so my curves are not going anywhere. I've still got some chub and I'm still all about rocking a crop top or bikini anyway. My brain (and heart) will always be plus-size. I know that struggle all to well, without ever realizing what a struggle it actually was. (That confidence bug, I tell ya, she's a good one!)

Now, I just want to be able to be seen as fit. I'm not aiming for skinny. Too much of me is still very much proud to be a bigger girl and know I'm beautiful even though I'm not the "ideal" size. I don't think that will ever change about me. I'm just anxious to see what I will be like when I look back on this post in a year from now.

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